Angry Patrick a member of the Celeb Dirty Laundry family brings his comedy show directly to us each week. This week Patrick has a lot to say about The Journal of Animal Ethics. Enjoy!
The Journal of Animal Ethics says Animal lovers should stop calling their furry or feathered friends “pets” because the term is insulting. Domestic dogs, cats and hamsters should be re-branded as “companion animals” they insist. They also say we should stop using phrases such as “sly as a fox, eat like a pig or drunk as a skunk” as they are unfair to animals.
Are you frickin kidding me? You want to know when I will have more respect for pets? When they learn how to wipe their ass in a way that doesn’t involve their tongues. When they get up, go to the crapper, get on it, wipe and flush I will have more respect. And I get why they are talking about dogs and cats but why is hamster even in this conversation?
How the hell do I feel a need to respect something that spends its life running on a wheel to nowhere? When a hamster dies I should be able to flush it down the commode with no guilt at all. And you really think it’s insulting to an animal if I use the expression “drunk as a skunk?” Tell ya what, you uber douche, the first time a skunk comes up to me and says, “Ya know bro, I’m really offended by that.” At that very moment I will never use it again. And “eat like a pig?” Have you seen pigs eat? It’s not disrespectful when it’s true. The way pigs eat may be why I have never sat next to one in a fine Italian restaurant. I’ve never been at a table sipping merlot and looked over at the next table and a pig say to me, “Man, this manicotti is fantastic and the body on this merlot is a gift to my palette.” You know why? because THEY EAT LIKE PIGS!
That’s why you left wing, animal loving, people hating shank nut. I’m sure you guys over at The Journal of Animal Ethics would feel better if all the humans were gone so that animals could finally get the respect they deserve. Well, why don’t you start that process by getting up right now and walking out in the middle of a busy intersection! If you do, it will make me “sly as a fox”, huh? Oops. Was that disrespectful?
Patrick Beam aka Angry Patrick