Jennifer Aniston has been the staple food for bad partners for almost a decade, but luckily for Jen, Justin Theroux swept in on a magic carpet carried by chiseled elves that lived in Bob Marley’s dreads. Theroux went down on his hands and knees (one always crawls before Aniston) and said, “Jenny, please marry me, because I can’t stand your bitching one more day.” They lived happily ever after in a castle made from frozen peas and co-dependency personality disorder.
Nope. These two still have a long road ahead of them, filled with media scrutiny and Aniston’s incessant whining. According to Life and Style magazine via Jezebel, their wedding has been dubbed “The Wedding of the Century” – and here we were the ones that thought the royal wedding between Duchess Kate Middleton and Prince William was the wedding of the century. Yes, Aniston will even steal the limelight of a married royal couple – the bitch is sneaky like that.
Sources close to Aniston now claim that the most important aspect of the wedding is competition and rivalry. A good friend of Aniston says, “Jen doesn’t want to get married the same time as Brad and Angelina do… If anything, Jen wants to get married before them.” Yes, obviously you would like to outshine your ex and his one legged demon, but remember Jen; they have adopted more kids than the entire population of an unknown island in the South Pacific. They win, and keep on winning, by being the most powerful couple in Hollywood.
It might just be our fretful imaginations, but don’t Aniston and Theroux seem like a watered down version of Brangelina? They’re like that late night B-movie on Showtime that no-one claims to have watched, but which is still discussed around the water cooler by Sally from the accounting department. Oh poor woman, Harry never met her, because she suffers from a Chuck Norris obsession.
The source claims that “the fact that the Jolie-Pitt nation of children will be a part of their parents’ wedding will be a knife in the heart for Jen. After all, she’s made her desire for kids clear, but doesn’t have an army of ring bearers and flower girls to accompany her down the aisle.”
No, because the only object which will accompany Jen will be the little Theroux elves and their tiny little wives and husbands. They will sit on petals and sing, “It’s the end of the world as we know it!”
Photo Credit: Juan Rico/FAMEFLYNE