The latest cover of National Enquirer features the late, great Larry Hagman, but according to the Enquirer, Hagman didn’t die from natural causes, he died from a medical mistake! Oh Lawdy Louise! That’s sure to send ripples down the spine of Middle America! His tagline reads, “Larry Hagman didn’t have to die – medical mistake that killed him – Heartbreaking details of Dallas star’s final days.” This will surely set the gossip radar to max and will most definitely have Larry Hagman’s fans tsk-tsk-tsking over breakfast.
In the top left corner, there’s an image of a much younger-looking Jessica Simpson with the tagline, “Breaking News: Jessica Simpson Pregnant Again!” Oh the joys of motherhood! The idea of the horrid Simpson carrying another baby sends shockwaves through the Weight Watchers community. “OMG, Charles, we just forced her to lose a million pounds! Now she’s going to become a baby elephant again and reduce Weight Watchers to Jim Jones status?” Don’t hate on us, we’re just sitting here with our tongues in our cheeks and bringing you our acerbic opinions!
And finally, in the top right corner we have a full-blown –and epic – tagline that reads, “Halle Berry New Suicide Shocker! After lover’s bloody brawl!” The beaten-to-a-pulp face of Gabriel Aubry shocks the reader into saying, “Omg, look what they did to the poor man!” Or, if you’re a Halle Berry fan, “Serves him right for trying to take that girl away from her. He was planning to eat her, you know?” Why would the scorned Halle Berry all of a sudden attempt suicide? We know a guilty conscience drives apparently normal people to insanity, so we can’t even imagine what bitchy Berry’s guilty conscience is doing to her right now! Karma’s a bitch, Berry, and it’s heading your way on a one-way bullet train, so you better run and hide before it slams into you.
If you’re interested in reading about Larry Hagman, Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy, and Halle Berry’s guilty conscience, pick up The National Enquirer and say goodbye to your life for a few hours. You won’t regret it.
Image Credit: National Enquirer