PETA (People for Ethical Treatment of Animals) is back to try and ruin your family’s Thanksgiving. They are offering free mini-tombstones with the words: “Here Lies the Corpse of a Tortured Bird” for kids to place in your Thanksgiving turkey. A spokesperson said, “Kids love animals, and once they realize that turkeys feel pain and fear, they want to switch out those drumsticks for Tofurky,” Tofurkey, If you don’t know, is a vegan tofu turkey substitute.
Are you frickin’ kidding me!
I don’t know what kind of kids you’re talking about. My boys would torture a turkey like it was in the movie Saw before they ate “tofurkey”. I WANT TO PLAY A GAME. Gobble Gobble?
Look, there isn’t a chef on this planet that can get tofu to taste like a good smoked turkey. Hell, I’m not sure Jesus could pull off that miracle. He’d be like,
“OK Mr PETA man….lemme get this straight…you want me to make this tofu taste like turkey?”
“That’s right, Jesus.”
“How about you just eat the turkeys I created for you, dumbass? Do you know how long it took my dad to make something that tastes that good? He literally took mud and turned it into something amazingly delicious and you wanna….I have a good mind to whip your ass right now….”
Now, I may be taking some creative license there but, in all honesty, Jesus might curse PETA out. Even he has a limit.
Hey, if you wanna be a vegan and you’re thankful for tofu and rice cakes then have at it. But Thanksgiving is the one time a year I can try to reach diabetes in one day. It’s my God given right to gorge myself on turkey. Now, after that, I will gladly put your dumbass tombstone on the carcass. And guess what PETA? If there’s any room left in my fat, bloated gut after that, then I’m gonna try to shove some ham in there, too. So, PETA, why don’t you go Turfurkey yourself?
