There is nothing wrong with your computer screen. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind – to the outer limits, because that modern day Duchess Kate Middleton woman has a doppelganger. Read on to find out more about the prehistoric Kate Middleton – Kate Middlegone.
Nineteen years ago, back when the writer of this article was still playing ring-a-ring-a-rosie on the school yard, three well preserved mummies were found in Siberia – and no, we’re not talking about mothers who were found frothing in the snow – we’re talking about real, honest to God dead people. For almost two decades, scientist named her Princess Ukok (no, not you cook, uh-kok) and her two warriors who were being preserved like maturing wine in Novosibirsk, Russia (also the hometown of almost every Dancing With The Stars professional). The remains of the three dead ones are traveling back home to Gorno-Altaisk (the birthplace of snow) in Western Siberia where visitors will be able to get a 360 degree view of their ink, because you guessed it, they were personalities on the super popular Siberian television show, Siberian Ink.
These three famous dead people are believed to have been members of the Pazyryk nomads who chilled out in the snow as early as 5th century BC, when they were described by the Greek historian Herodotus (and yes, we believe he doted on papyrus). The poor Ukok died when she was 25, because that was like grandma age back then. She was buried with a meal of sheep and horse meat and six horses with bridles. They were meant to escort her to the next world and are symbols of her status in the tribe. Guess nobody was voting this one of the island then?
Allegedly, according to dead sources, their tattoos were a form of identification, like a driver’s license, which would have assisted family members to find you after your death. We have to ask, what would have happened if they were stopped by the tribal traffic officer?
“Excuse me, m’am, would please show me your driver’s license?” Ukok whips out her leg and the officer says, “No, m’am, I do not wish to touch your leg. You were going 1 mile per hour in a 0.5 mile per hour zone. Do you have a driver’s license or not?” Ukok smiles and pulls up the latest wolf skin designed by Calvin Dine (the local cannibal) and shows her inked arm to the traffic officer. He scribbles down a few notes on his tablet (get it?) and gives her a citation for driving too fast on her horse. She pulls out a dead bird from underneath her breasts and flips him the bird.
A remarkable tale, even if we have to say so ourselves, but luckily for Kate Middleton she is living in the modern era and doesn’t have to worry about dying anytime soon, nor being buried with dead horses and meals. What would have happened to a vegan…?
Let us know in the comments below what you think of the remarkable Kate Middlegone!
