Taylor Swift is like the Grim Reaper of hearts. She dates Hollywood men, make them salivate over her, and then, one fine morning, she dumps them like a cold, dead turkey. However, her black widow kiss of death doesn’t end there. Swift then writes about this relationship in her book of songs and snogs, releases a multimillion dollar selling hit, and proceeds to win a smattering of Grammy Awards. No other person in the history of entertainment has been able to so easily slice the necks of men and write songs with their heartbroken blood.
Swift’s latest album, Red, is a critical and commercial success. The relatable lyrics and down-to-earth guitar stringing have made this faux romantic one of the most successful musicians of the decade. The album has been touted as her “most adventurous album yet”, and oh how adventurous it was! According to Us Weekly, Swift’s All Too Well track is not about an English Patient with a bad morphine addiction as first thought, it’s about her 2010 Thanksgiving outing with Jake Gyllenhaal, and the subsequent visit at his sister Maggie Gyllenhaal’s home in Brooklyn, New York City.
Swift told the folks at Good Morning America that the writing process for this track was tedious. “It started out being a 10-minute song, which you can’t put on an album. I had to filter it down to a story that could work in the form of a song,” she explained. So, in actual fact, Swift’s well of man-souls dried up and she had to revert to nostalgia – the death blow to a singer’s career. The track’s lyrics – Left my scarf there at your sister’s house / And you still got it in your drawer – are actually about a mutually shared scarf the ex-power couple wore.
Swift’s reputation as a serial dater has, for the first time, brought her more than just Grammy Awards and worldwide fame. The salacious singer has recently been spotted with One Direction’s innocent looking Harry Styles, one of the most adored Brits in the universe. The quick-flinging flirty fool was sent death threats by enraged One Direction fans, even though she has not yet tracked her claws into his flesh. An off-kilter One Directioner wrote, “I’ll murder Taylor Swift. She will not date my Harry.” Another quick-thinking fan wrote, “If u dating my harry, I kill u [sic]”. Whilst we’re all for protecting the innocence of One Direction, writing these death threats to Taylor will only make her more enraged and give her an opportunity to bathe the planet in her tacky music, so please, One Directioners, please lay off on the threats! We won’t be able to handle another one of this horrid cretin’s songs on the radio!
We’re still trying to contact our informants at the CIA to find out whether Swift is indeed an alien sent here to break the hearts of men. During the time I penned this article, Swift ate a man at 7/Eleven. Be careful America, sending your men on a midnight slushy run won’t bring you iced goodness; it’ll bring you a swift demise.