“Let your secrets stay secret,” is the new tag-line for a Victoria’s Secret fashion line. The multimillion dollar underwear house recently announced that it would be releasing a “Fifty Shades of Grey” underwear line in culmination with the announcement of the lead cast for the film version of the popular mommy porn novels. According to fashion insiders, “Victoria’s Secret took a courageous leap. Women all over the world will now be able to cover their bosoms and bottoms with fifty shades of grey. Literally!” A recent survey conducted by the Read Between The Lines Foundation revealed that middle aged women in the 40 to 49 age bracket have been interested in “steaming up the bedroom” with their significant others after reading the sexually charged novels. Finally, the dreams of these middle aged women will come true, because as from the 1st of February, 2013, these women will be able to indulge in their fantasies with the Fifty Shades of Grey fashion line.
The underwear, currently being tested on heterosexual men in laboratories in France, will be released globally early next year. Jean Foops, a developmental psychologist who is working alongside Victoria’s Secret, revealed in a recent interview, “We have achieved considerable success with recent psychological tests. We take a slice of the male demographic and place them into ‘viewing booths’. A female model then poses in the underwear – at a safe distance – and seduces the men with her erotic charm. If the man responds favourably towards the grey colour of the underwear, that colour is automatically included in our fifty shades. So far, we have also experienced excellent results from our placebo – a Bruce Jenner lookalike that pretends to seduce a tomato. Most of our test subjects haven’t picked up on this.”
An anonymous marketing strategist at Victoria’s Secret also revealed the initial advertising rollout for the brand of underwear, “We’re not promoting sexual promiscuity in our advertisement, we’re only celebrating the beauty of the female mystique. Our tagline will read, ‘Let your secrets stay secret,’ and the advertisement will contain suggestive imagery of feminine eroticism. Our focus groups responded well to initial screenings of our advertisement. So well, in fact, that one of the men at the focus group had to be taken to the emergency room for heart palpitations. He blamed his palpitations on a bad burger he had for lunch, but we know he couldn’t handle the suggestive imagery.”
A limited edition “sex chocolate” will be released alongside the first shipment of underwear in the United States. This chocolate was made by the finest chefs in the industry. According to recent reports, the chocolate contains a “magic” formula that was created by leading sexual researchers. The chocolate will contain trace elements of nuts, oyster, and truffle. According to a sexual researcher who worked on the project, “Our chocolate was created with the consumer in mind. We took it back to the basics, you know? We made it simple. We asked ourselves, ‘What makes people think of sex?’ We came up with an interesting combination of images for the final design, and finally decided to make the chocolate in the shape of a nut, because the roundness of nuts will appeal to our consumers.”
Jane Cillahp, a social critic, was recently caught with her hand in the proverbial cookie jar when she attempted to leak the design of the underwear line to large media outlets. Victoria’s Secret has vowed to keep the design of the underwear as secret as possible, playing into the tagline of the line. Cillahp was subsequently arrested by police in New York City for an unrelated crime – she flashed her underwear at a group of elderly women and screamed, “I need new underwear!”
There you have it, dear readers. Will you be wearing the Fifty Shades of Grey underwear? Will you be seducing your partner in bed? Do you think it’s a wise move for Victoria’s Secret? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.