On last night’s season premiere of AMERICAN HORROR STORY the episode opens in a Louisiana swamp we see some guys hunting some alligators. Misty Day also sees them (you know because the girl who could bring things back to life also could work that mojo on herself ….obviously.) The guys kill one of them. Misty Day is not pleased and brings the alligator back to life. The alligator grabs one of the hunters and drags him into the water. I’m a bit fuzzy on the next part, he gets decapitated, but I think he might have drown first, at any rate Misty Day is happy with the outcome. Misty heads toward town.
Back at the school Cordelia is getting the girls up for their morning gathering. The girls are pretty much slow on the go. Zoe is searching information on Kyle and finds out he was a Saint among frat boys (which I’m guessing is pretty damn rare.) Madison being the bitch she is could careless about Saint Kyle and is convinced that given the opportunity he would have raped her as well (full of yourself much), and besides Zoe would have ended up sexing him to death eventually anyway.
A few bedrooms down Fiona has LaLaurie tied up to a chair (the things women do after a night of drinking.) Fiona gets in her face and ask how she is still alive after all these years. Before LaLaurie can give a answer Fiona’s iPhone goes off and it scares LaLaurie. Fiona tells her it’s a cellphone (and since I’m sure LaLaurie knows what that is her fear should be subsiding at any moment.)
The girls are all gathered at the gathering meeting. Queenie decides now would be a perfect time to share a bit of her history. Queenie was a straight A student back in Detroit as well as a Manager at a fast food joint. She got into a bit of a argument with one of the customers when they asked for a extra piece of chicken. Queenie decides that the best way to teach the customer a lesson is to stick her own arm in a pot of boiling water and then transfer that pain to the customer. It works and the customers arm burns and boils. Queenie goes on to say that she is a descendant of Tituba who was the first woman in Salem to be accused of witchcraft. (Tituba was in fact a real person and is in fact the first person to be accused of witchcraft in Salem.) Madison rattles off some smart ass remark to which Queenie delivers the best line of this week “I will eat you bitch”.
Some cops show up to ask Zoe and Madison about the frat party they attended. Madison explains some of the boys wanted to,get her high (does being roofied count?) “She’s sober,” explains Zoe. “Except for vodka,” chimes in Madison. Of course it’s not really Madison they are making this house call for, it’s Zoe. They are curious to know what exactly she was doing at the hospital in the same room as the ring leader of the rape of Madison. Zoe offers this as her rebuttal, “They gang-raped her! (Madison gives her the hell you didn’t look.) I killed that asshole! Everyone here is a witch! Please don’t send us to jail!” It’s at this moment Fiona decides to breeze in. One of the cops ask her if she is charge here. Fiona answers with what I believe is just the simple fact, “I’m in charge everywhere.”
Fiona uses some old school magic that involves her spitting into some glasses of water and makes the cops forget what they heard.fiona smacks Zoe and Madison up against the wall with a flip of her hand. Fiona then scolds the girls for their lack of self control and then scolds Zoe for being a babbling idiot. Fiona drives home her point by stating “In this whole wide, wicked world, the only thing you have to be afraid of is me.”
Madison gets pissed at Fiona for being a Supreme Bitch (sorry I mean witch) and decides to take a Zoe and a Resurrection Spell down to the local town morgue. Madison breaks in to said Morgue and then leads Zoe into the deep freezer full of man parts. Madison explains she wants to do a favor for Zoe (a solid for killing her rapist.) Madison opens a body bag and we see the decapitated head of Saint Kyle looking back at her. Madison notes all the other available body parts lying around and decides that she and Zoe are going to create the perfect Manenstein.
Cordelia is at the doctors with her husband. Apparently she wants to have a child but they are having trouble making that happen. Cordelia’s husband ask why she just doesn’t use magic. She tells him she doesn’t want to use dark magic.
Fiona is with LaLaurie. LaLaurie was unaware of the fact that she had been shackled and gagged underground for 180 years. LaLaurie explains that after she awoke from her sleep potion she found Marie outside. Marie had hung all of her family. (Which reminds me of one thing and one thing only…. The Salem Witchcraft Trials.) Marie goes on to tell LaLaurie she feels that the best punishment for her is living forever. Fiona tells her she is sorry for her loss and then begins to eat a piece of chicken.
Back at the Morgue Zoe and Madison have finished sewing together the perfect Manenstein. Madison begins the spell “Azazel, we submit to you body and soul, the lord of the underworld. We offer you our obedience and everlasting devotion. Until death sanctifies this unholy union.” Zoe has a different take on this and voices her concern “Did we just marry the devil? I don’t know if I’m down with that.” (Zoe should be looking on the bright side, she can’t kill the devil with sex.) Alas it doesn’t work. Madison heads out to the car so that Zoe can look for her cellphone (it’s really so she can tell the head of Kyle and the body parts of the other boys goodbye.) Madison being the greatest friend ever ditches Zoe when another car pulls up outside. Zoe none the wiser is kissing Kyle one last time (it would totally be a ewwwww moment if it was anyone else, but because it’s these two it’s a sweet little moment.)
It’s at this point that a man who works at the Morgue comes strutting in, and the Kyle Manenstein (I’m using that name from here on out), decides to wake up from his death coma. He beats the Morgue worker senseless. Then lets a sound that I’m quite sure was a “shnee”. Now would probably be a good time to tell you that Misty just happened by as Kyle was coming to life. (Who needs Azazel when you have Misty, am I right or am I right?)
Fiona waltzes into Marie Laveau’s (also based on a real person) salon. Marie senses the witch and decides she will handle her . Fiona, “Your kind and my kind have been going after each other for centuries. Kind of like a hammer going after a nail.” (Haha.) They banter back and forth and finally Fiona spits it out she wants what Marie has Whatever has kept her young all these years. Fiona even tells her she has something that she wants. LaLaurie?
Meanwhile Cordelia is in her garden getting a few things. Back in the bedroom she isetting up quite the sex fantasy for her hubby. She has candles, some ash, some eggs, the urge to drink one another’s blood. (All the things that keep a marriage fresh and interesting.) Cordelia and her hubby have sex while eggs crack open and snakes crawl towards her.
Zoe is trying to calm down her new and improved Kyle but it just isn’t working. Zoe is taken aback when she gets a unexpected assist from Misty who tells her she could sense she was in need of her help. They go back with Misty to her shack where she tells Zoe she will keep an eye on Kyle and help heal him. They also have a hilarious conversation about Stevie Nicks and how she is a witch.
Meanwhile back at the school Nan has had enough of LaLaurie’s loud thinking and sets her free. LaLaurie runs into Queenie, mistakes her for a slave, gets called a bitch and then knocks Queenie out with a candlestick.
Fiona finds LaLaurie roaming outside her house. She isn’t pleased it is now a house of horrors for all to see. LaLaurie tries to explain her point of view to Fiona, “I loved my girls, in my own way. Even the ugly one. The moment she came out of my belly she was a shame to me. She had the face of a damn hippo. But I loved her, just the same. If hell is real I’ve seen it down there in that box.” LaLaurie ask Fiona to kill her. Fiona tells her maybe at some point but if she takes off again she will put her back in the box.
Just like last week Fiona and LaLaurie are walking down the street together.