Gotta’ love John O’Farrell. His idea of turning Kate Middleton into a high-class hooker to help Britain’s economy is simply genius.
It’s also totally do-able.
Reason one: Whoring herself out is how Kate got her crown, isn’t it? And clearly being a future queen consort means a hell of a lot to Kate (and the entire Middleton family!). She suffered through a decade long marathon of sleeping with Prince William – I mean, can you imagine having to snog that horse face, let alone for THAT many years?
So obviously, Kate is definitely not one to turn her plastically-enhanced nose up at the idea of prostituting herself. Sleeping with someone for money, lavish vacations, jewels, tiaras and palaces means one thing: You. Are. A. Prostitute. After all, if it walks like a duck… it’s a damn duck!
And considering what Kate costs, she must be pretty freaking awesome at what she does in bed… or on whatever surface they do it on. Seriously. It can’t be easy feigning passion with Baldy. Just sayin’. It’s too bad the Olympics don’t include “Bedroom Gymnastics” – Kate would win a gold medal, for sure, platinum if they made those. Team GB all the way!!! I can totally hear Kate screaming that when she’s with Will – yuck. Now I have to go clean my ears out. Excuse me.
Reason two: How could anyone forget Kate’s nefarious Uncle Gary Goldsmith? Good ole’ Gary, self-styled as “The Duke of Slough.” He has hands-on experience working with high-class prostitutes. It’s common knowledge he made his fortune selling cocaine and prostitutes. What? He really made his money through an IT business? Yeah right. I’ll believe that when I believe Carole Middleton really made her millions by selling paper plates and party bunting! More like “The Duke Slough” was funneling his sister some serious dough to pay for stuff like Kate’s Chelsea flat that’s suspiciously close to Will’s old digs in Clarence House. The swanky London pad, worth £1.2 million, was paid for in CASH, too – odd, no?
Gary’s Ibiza villa – “La Maison de Bang Bang”, French slang for “House of Sex” where Will and Kate have enjoyed holidays – is now on the market in a futile attempt at cleaning up his dirty image. But not so fast Uncle G! The Cult of Middleton still needs the sleazy you! You did get an invite to the Royal Wedding after all, and if you still want a wing in Buckingham Palace named after you, then you’ve got to use your mad skills to turn Kate into the perfect prostitute.
Ma Midds can fund the new slutty wardrobe. Pipsqueak can teach Kate how to make her bum look stellar, and brother James can bake freaky cupcakes in the shape of Kate’s breasts to tempt prospective clients with. Gary can rake in the gold by pimping Kate out to his very highest bidders. Since he’s worked with them so very closely these past years, they can trust him to sell them the “Best of Britain.” And they won’t say no to him when he asks for a king’s ransom to do “Princess Prostitute.”
Kate has to earn her living somehow. She is a senior royal, and since she sucks at her job of promoting charities and the British Brand, then high-class prostitution is something she should seriously consider. She has tons of experience with it, and she’s probably really good at it, too.
It’s for the good of the country, Kate. Bitch better lie back and think of England.
Photo Credit: Star Magazine and Chi Magazine