LeAnn Rimes is like bad diarrhea – you go to the toilet feeling fine and perfect, and then, before you know it, you’re losing small children from your bowels. Anyone would love Rimes’ face when they first see it and country music fans would definitely love Rimes’ voice once they hear it, but soon after the valiant introduction to Rimes, you start to lose focus and try to stop the ear bleeds.
Rimes’ biggest enemy – excluding X-Factor USA’s Carly Rose Sonenclar – is Brandi Glanville. They have more bad blood between them than a 7-Eleven employee and her boss. Rimes stole Glanville’s husband, wrote a delusional album about heart break and cheating, and ended up drunker than a drag queen at Beefcakes. This forced Glanville to write a book about her life, bitch and moan about Cibrian in every other interview, and arrive on the Oscars red carpet wearing what looked like a dead nun with dwarfism. These two have never crossed paths, because if they did, the universe would most probably implode.
In true Celeb Dirty Laundry fashion, we thought about a hypothetical scenario of this chance meeting between Glanville and Rimes. First of all was the setting: Where would this set piece take place? Would it take place in a dark alleyway? Would it take place at the local supermarket in the potato aisle? Would it take place at a health shop that stocks paper condoms?
In this hypothetical Fight Club, Rimes would, in all probability, arrive drunk on Mimosas and orphan tears. Glanville, in all of her glorious stupidity, would be wearing a dress covered in puppies and Randy Jackson’s head. Their showdown would be one for the record books. Glanville would throw the first punch – angry bitches like breaking teeth – and Rimes would duck by accident – alcohol makes you unsteady. After this short, weird maneuver, Rimes would notice the anger in Glanville’s eyes and would charge her like a horny Greek at a strip club. Glanville would try to jump out of the way, but Rimes’ alcohol-induced invincibility would send her straight into Glanville’s abdomen. After the sound of Glanville’s silicone boobs popping, hair pulling would ensue. After an hour of punching and boob popping, Glanville and Rimes would reach a stalemate, both tied up into one another like a Twister strip party. Rimes would release, stand back, and ask Glanville’s forgiveness by singing a song – we’re not talking Patsy Cline on a bender here; we’re talking laryngitis in a Castrato. The sounds of Rimes’ soothing voice will cause a hundred Brazilians to cease their weekly Baile Funk and take up knitting as a way to release their stress. Unfortunately, Rimes’ voice, in such close proximity to Glanville, will be deafening and destructive.
There’s absolutely no way Glanville would escape this chance meeting without her soul being ripped apart. Rimes’ voice was crafted in Rosie O’ Donnell’s laboratory, and as we know O’ Donnell – who is one step away from becoming a nuclear lesbian missile – she bathed that voice in a bath filled with that creature from The Grudge.
We leave it up to you. Who do you think will win this faux Celebrity Death Match? Will it be Rimes? Will it be Glanville? Why? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet