Orange is the New Black, Netflix’s groundbreaking drama, is back for its second season — and let’s just say we’re loving every minute of it. Unlike other shows on the air, OITNB releases an entire season’s worth of episodes at once, which makes it not only ideal for binge watching but perfect for those of you who can’t stand waiting weeks to see where your favorite characters end up arriving.
For those of you who haven’t delved into the entirety of season 1 (shame on you!), OITNB tells “The story of Piper Chapman, a woman in her thirties who is sentenced to fifteen months in prison after being convicted of a decade-old crime of transporting money for her drug-dealing girlfriend.”
We’ll be recapping all of OITNB season 2 and encourage you to check back often if you’re eager to get the lowdown on a particular episode. We’d love to hear your thoughts on the season, so don’t be shy in hitting up the comments section for some chatting. Continue reading below for the recaps of episodes 4 & 5. If spoilers make you ill, then shield your eyes now and head for the hills!
Orange is the New Black season 2 episode 4 “A Whole Other Hole” RECAP
Lorna wakes up, pulls her toilet tissue rollers out of her hair and applies lipstick. He puts on her clothes, shades, grabs a pillow and a magazine and goes out to the van. She sits on the pillow with a grimace and turns the heat on. Rosa hops in and Lorna apologizes for how cold it is but says she can’t turn the heat up really high or an awful smell comes out. She tells her not to breathe in. Rosa says she’s getting poison pumped into her veins, so a little mouse shit in her lungs shouldn’t matter.
Fisher hops in and they take off. Fisher asks Lorna how the wedding planning is going and she says they’re holding off, pressing the pause button. She says they have a lot of guests and she can’t book all the vendors from inside. Rosa says all her husband died and she says she’s cursed. Rosa asks how much time Lorna’s got left and she says more than four years. Rosa says she’s going to die in jail and that Lorna has lots of her life left.
We see Lorna in her prior life coming back from seeing Twilight. Her sister tells her that it’s her turn to take care of their mom. Lorna grabs up a baby that tipped over and hands him to her and says it’s a miracle he’s lived this long. Her mom is calling for her but Lorna locks herself into her own room instead. She’s got a magazine mural on the wall and a West Side Story poster. She has a photo of a guy with a heart around him.
She makes a call from a number off the internet. She says she bought a pair of shoes and never received them. She says she hasn’t moved and insists they never came. They are sitting in a box at her feet. She complains that she has a party to go to. She says she just wants a refund since they never showed up. She thanks the customer service person for their honesty.
In the lunchroom, Crazy Eyes and Vee talk. Vee wants to know who’s importing the blue shadow and red lipstick. Crazy Eyes says there hasn’t been a lot of contraband since Red got shut down. Vee insists someone is bringing stuff in and Crazy Eyes says Poussey has been making hooch out of kool aid and old fruit that tastes like vomit wine coolers.
Crazy Eyes says it makes her head feel fuzzy. Poussey shows everyone her pee funnel contraption so she can pee standing up and not have to sit on the nasty toilet seats. She says you can pee like a dude. She says she’s going to call it the Stand and Deliver. She says everyone is going to want one. Vee tells her stop talking about it while they’re eating. One of the girls asks why you can’t just shove the tube up inside you and Poussey says that’s not where the pee comes out.
A debate ensues and the girls disagree. Poussey says there is a main “coochie” hole then another hole just for pee. They don’t believe her and Crazy Eyes chimes in and says there is a tiny pee hole but the others insist it’s all the same whole. Poussey counters by asking how you can still pee when you have a tampon in and reiterates that there’s definitely two holes. Crazy Eyes reminds her there’s three and says the butt – they laugh and Vee says they’re disgusting.
She tells Suzanne to come on – she follows but turns back to Poussey and does a little squat and tells her to put her order in. There is confusion at the table and Taystee says she’s confused. They head into the bathroom and Taystee tries to check out her own junk but says she can’t see what the hell Poussey is talking about.
Leanne says she wishes she had a phone and could record this shit. Poussey tries to tell her how to lick above her vagina hole and below her clit. Taystee asks how she knows and Poussey says she’s been up close and personal with her share of pussies and offers to show Taystee where the other hole is but she quickly declines. She says to tell her where. Poussey says it’s a hole inside the big hole but then Taystee says she thought she said it was a whole different hole.
Sophia comes in and clears it all up. She tells them exactly where everything is and how it’s laid out and even the proper names and even Poussey learns something. Sophia says she designed one herself and has seen some funky punani in her day. She hands over a mirror and tells Taystee to take a long look at what she’s talking about. Taystee tries again with the mirror and gasps. She says holy shit, she’s right. She says it’s cute. The girls all want a turn with the mirror.
Big Boo comes in and gripes to Nicky about clit blocking her with a chick she’s been trying to get bumper to bumper with. Boo says Nicky made her feel used and Nicky says that girl was worn before she got there and that not everyone wants a diesel dyke. Boo tells her to lay off her marks then spots a blue notebook on Nicky’s bunk. She picks it up and asks what it is. Nicky tells her to give it back and Boo reads the name Brooke – the hot new Asian chick. Boo says it’s her fuck book.
Boo says it’s an addiction like smack but Nicky says she collects orgasms and is like a bean flicking Mother Teresa. (HA!) Boo says this is her kind of competition and tells Nicky it’s on. Nicky flips through her book with a smile.
Brook asks Piper what the deal is with Rosa. She asks if she really has cancer or if it’s alopecia. She peppers her with question after question. She wants to know what all the old people did to get in there and if they’ve been there since the 70s. Piper explains a lot of them got sent up from max for good behavior. Brook says it’s crazy to think about spending all those years in here.
Brook says she’s been in jail for a few days before but never prison. Piper says it’s the same thing but Brook says your parents pick you up from jail. Anita tells her to shut up so she can sleep. O’Neill comes in and tells Brook and Piper they’ve been reassigned. Brook asks if they did something wrong. Piper says no – that they’re getting their bunks. She asks if they’ll be roomies and Piper looks horrified.
Brook says the bunks remind her of camp and then Piper grabs up a book that was stolen from her. O’Neill drops Piper off with Red and takes Brook on – Piper whispers a thanks to him. Red isn’t happy to see her and Piper asks if she can move some of the stuff or have some hooks, but Red refuses to cooperate. Piper moves the stuff anyway. Piper moves the stuff off her desk on to Red’s and asks what she’s going to do – not feed her.
Red comes to see Joe to complain that she hasn’t had a bunkmate in 12 years and he says that’s what happens when you turn your job assignment into a drug smuggling operation. Red says that wasn’t her game and Joe says it’s easy to pin it on a guy who’s not there. He says pantyhose and nail polish was no big deal but when she let drugs in, she let a girl die because of her. He says a small leak can sink a great ship. He says he can’t have leaky holes. He says nothing in, nothing out and tells her to enjoy retirement and get a hobby. She tells him how to take care of his plant bug problem and leaves.
At the hospital, Lorna pulls them up and Fisher gets Rosa out. She tells Lorna to park in the garage and that she’ll see her in three hours. Fisher tells Rosa that she hates this heart and Rosa says “poor her.” Lorna sits listening to 80s love songs and doing a crossword. It’s “Almost Paradise” and she starts singing along and crying. She watches people walk by the deck then grabs up a map stashed in the van, cranks it and takes off!
We see Lorna back in the day bumping into a guy at the post office. They mix up their packages and he helps her get hers. He comments on the number of packages she has. He says either she loves her country or is running a mail scam. He introduces himself as Christopher. She says he looks like someone and introduces herself. He says she’s beautiful and Italian and it must be his lucky day. He asks if they can go for coffee.
Fisher escorts Rosa to her seat in the chemo area and after another patient gives her a funny look, takes the cuffs off of her. Rosa thanks her.
Vee sidles up to Poussey and they talk about her invention – but Vee says she was talking about her other side business – the hooch. Poussey says that she doesn’t charge for it – she says it’s just for her and her friends. Vee says she has a recipe and they can charge by the cup. Poussey says that’s not her bag and walks away.
Red comes to sit down across from Gina and tells her how to keep the burns from scarring and says she wants her to stop sulking. She says she never meant for her to get hurt. Gina says that’s not good enough. Red takes her tray and leaves the table looking for a new place to sit. She walks over to the Golden Girls and asks if she can sit with them. One of the crazy broads asks them to tell the man at the end of the table to stop looking. They tell her they have a crochet circle if she wants to learn. One calls the other an old cunt.
Piper sees Leanne reading her book and says she’s tired of these beaches. They tussle over the book and Leanne says she’s not done reading it. Piper yanks the book out of her hand and says – everybody dies. Leanne is bummed. She grabs up her radio from another inmate who says it’s not hers. She says her prisoner number is on it and the woman calls her Inspector Gadget. Piper fires back that he wasn’t even a good detective and the woman tells her to get the fuck out now.
She finds her flip flops on Yoga and yanks them off. Yoga says none of them thought she was coming back. She sees her engagement photo on Crazy Eye’s wall. She says it ain’t about her – she just likes the beach. Piper tells her to keep it. Next she goes to Boo who’s sitting on her blanket. She tells her it’s hers and she’s taking it back.
Boo stands and asks how she’s going to do that. Piper says she doesn’t want to have to get physical with her. Brook bounces up and starts babbling to Piper. Boo tries to talk to her and Boo checks her out and sniffs her. Piper tells her she’s busy and to go back to her cube now. Brook goes. Boo says it looks like she has a pet kitten and Piper says she wants to put her in a pillowcase of rocks and dump her in the lake. Boo offers to make her a trade for the blanket.
Taystee wonders what other surprises her body has for her now that she’s learned about the pee hole.
Poussey paints her toenails and tells her that her little one doesn’t look like. Poussey lies down beside her and tells her to check it out. Taystee says it’s a hot mess. Taystee tickles Poussey and she begs her to stop.
She rolls into Taystee and kisses her. She draws back when it’s not returned. Taystee tells her she’s sorry and says they’ve been through this before. Taystee says she’s not… then Poussey cuts her off. Taystee asks if she wants to cuddle and Poussey agrees and rolls to her side so Taystee can put her arms around her. She looks terribly sad. Vee walks by and sees this.
Lorna argues with herself that she can still go back but keeps driving. A kid in the chemo ward plays on his iPhone and he tells Rosa to pretend he’s not there when she tries to make small talk. She offers to tell him a joke and he says no thanks but then his iPhone battery dies and the nurse says she doesn’t have a charger. He asks for the joke and Rosa says it’s too late but then she relents and tells him.
A patient goes to the doctor and the doc says I’ve got bad news and some more bad news. The bad news is you’ve got cancer and the more bad news is you also have Alzheimer’s disease. The patient thinks for a minute and says, at least I don’t have cancer. The kid says he doesn’t get it and Rosa says she won’t explain it to him.
Fisher comes over and asks Rosa if she wants anything and she says she’d love a Pepsi. Fisher tells her not to tell anyone and Rosa nods. The boy asks if that’s her daughter and Rosa says she’s a correctional officer and then he asks if she’s a convict and says he thought she was just in comfy chemo clothes. He asks what she did and she says she robbed a bank. He thinks she’s kidding and she tells him to Google her. He wants to hear about it and she says the first time she did it was 1982.
Lorna pulls up in front of a house in the van and stares at the red doors. She says fuck it and gets out of the van. She goes up the steps and tries the doors. They’re locked. She grabs up a concrete bunny statue and breaks the glass and goes inside. She walks through the kitchen and then sees photos of Christopher and his girlfriend. She cries as she looks at them.
She sees a seating chart for their wedding on the table. She looks at the invitations there in a box. She folds one up and hides it in her jacket. She goes into their bedroom and sees a little Love bear on the bed. She goes into the GF’s closet and unzips the bag with the wedding gown. She pulls out the veil and slips it onto her own head to look in the mirror.
Back in the day, Lorna shows her sister a new Dolce dress she bought. She asks how she affords all this and she says Christopher likes her all dressed up. She tells her sister about her weekend plans with him. Her sister says she should bring him over and Lorna says the family is too crazy and that he’s her one and only. She says it was like Notting Hill and they crashed into each other and it was meant to be. Her sister says she looks cute in the dress.
Red curses as she plucks her facial hairs. Piper says sometimes she gets a hair that’s black and spiky and if you don’t catch it they can grow long and pubey. She says Larry used to tease her about it. Red asks how he is and Piper says he has stopped writing and seeing her. She says she only got a card from her grandmother that week. She tells Red that she thinks Larry told all their friends what a horrible cheater she was and she’s in no place to defend herself.
Piper says no one knows what to say to her. Red says people are fickle fucks. Piper says she doesn’t blame any of them and says she was being selfish. Red says you have to be selfish in here to survive and the moment that you’re not useful to people in here, you’re out. Piper asks if that’s why her girls turned on her and says she noticed she’s been flying solo.
Red says she’s not the draw she used to be without the free stuff and says now they just see her as an angry Russian lady. Red tells her that husbands are over-rated and as useless as children. She says if it was meant to last, it would have. She offers Piper her tweezers to take care of her spikey hair. Red lies down to read.
Larry and Polly come out of the coffee shop. She’s wrangling the stroller and he holds the door for her. She complains about her son crying and says Pete shouldn’t have gone off to pretend he’s Bear Grylls. She’s annoyed and then calls her psychiatrist a piece of shit. Larry says she can go and he’ll keep the baby and the baby nurse.
She tells him the nurse is old and he says he’s sold. Polly says he’s the only one that will hang out with them anymore. A woman tells them they’re an attractive family. Larry makes up a crazy name and says they got married a long time ago and had a huge wedding at the Statue of Liberty after they met at a Star Trek convention. The woman says they’re perfect together.
Red checks out the decrepit greenhouse when she’s out on work detail. She spots a mouse duck between two floorboards. She goes to investigate. She finds a loose board and pulls it up.
Lorna wanders into the bathroom to look at herself in the veil and sees the time. She turns on the water in the tub. She pours in some bubble bath, takes off her clothes and gets in for a soak with the veil still on. We see a flashback to her trial where Christopher is testifying against her and she’s smiling soppily. He says they went on one date and that was all because he wasn’t interested. He testifies that after that one date, she stalked him on social media, called him and then showed up at his house.
He says she later began making threats. He says that he moved twice to get away but she always found her. He talks about all of her crazy antics and then says she threatened to strangle Angela, his girlfriend. He says she made a homemade bomb and put it under his GF’s car. Lorna tells her lawyer that he’s twisting all this around and being so dramatic. Lorna soaks in the tub as she hears Christopher come in calling for Angela. She jumps out of the tub, puts on a robe, grabs her clothes, steals the love bear and climbs out a window. She runs to the van, climbs in and peels away.
Red comes to see Joe and tells him that he’s right. She says she’s tired, old and needs to pack it in and be a Golden Girl. She says they asked her to join her craft circle. She says she’s there to talk to him about a hobby. She says there are no programs for the older women. He asks what she suggests and she says she’s heard gardening is very therapeutic. He loves plants and readily agrees.
He tells her people who garden three hours a week live longer. She says they could make the shed into a greenhouse and says his plants would benefit from being out there. He asks what she gets out of it and she says she’ll get to boss people around again, even if they’re just old fossils. Joe says Fig will never go for a new program but Red says it would be really cheap. He says to bring him a budget for seeds, soil and all of it and he’ll see what he can do.
Lorna pulls up to pick up Fisher and Rosa and apologizes. She says she feel asleep but Fisher says not to worry because they just finished. She asks Lorna if she’s okay and she says she’s fine. Lorna asks Rosa how she is and she throws up. They drive away and we see the robe she stole lying in the parking lot.
Leanne says she always thought of her holes as like one hole with other holes off of it like a cave system. One says her pee come out like a sprinkler like a little showerhead. Sister Ingalls asks Yoga if she’s hearing this and she says it’s the wonders of female anatomy. Piper says someone needs to get these women a medical book and Yoga asks if she knows. Piper says generally.
Yoga points out Brook and tells Piper she’s lost like Piper was when she first came. They ask what she’s in for and Piper says some kind of political protest and tells the Sister they might have a lot to talk about. She says she doubts that because most don’t know anything about nonviolent protest and calls her a dirty, fake hippy. Piper calls Brook over and the Sister leaves because she knows the girls a non-stop chatterbox.
Brook comes over and says she’s so relieved and thought Piper was mad at her. Piper says she’s not. Brook says everyone in here is so mad all the time and she thought prison would be about girl power and stuff like that. Piper tells her that prison can be dangerous and says she’s a pretty girl and will be a target. Brook asks about rape and Piper says she needs to find a prison wife, someone tough that no one will fuck with.
She asks if Piper did that and Piper says one night with the right woman can keep you safe for your whole sentence. She asks if Piper is making an offer and Piper says that she’s not tough and what she needs is someone who inspires real fear, who is kind of mannish and bulky. She says most of the good ones are taken. Boo comes over and sits by Brook and tells her she’s feeling single. Piper introduces them. Brook asks if this is some kind of game.
Boo tells Piper that she sucks at this and Boo says she can’t have her blanket out. Brook asks if she tried to pimp her out. Piper tells her the blanket used to belong to her roommate and it means a lot to her plus it’s cold in the dorms. Brook gets mad and accuses her of trying to sell her for a blanket. She tells Piper that she’s sick. She stomps away. Boo says she’s right and tells Piper she’s a horrible person. Brook goes back to her bunk and sits down for a cry.
Nicky shows up right on cue and asks if she wants to talk about it. Next we see Brook in the shower screaming in pleasure while Nicky goes down on her. Brook talks the whole time. Nicky tries to focus and then Brook moans and then keeps talking. Nicky stops and pulls down her panties and shoves the girls mouth in her pussy and says – there we go. At least she shuts up.
Out in the greenhouse, Red clears out the hidden area below the boards and looks satisfied. Vee comes to ask Taystee where her cuddle bunny is. Taystee says she’s not gay and Vee says she looks gay to her. She tells Taystee that she’s lonely and needs a hug and wants the drama of someone to call your own. Vee tells her gay for the stay is for punk ass bitches who aren’t strong enough to be true to themselves.
Vee says when she gets out she doesn’t want people talking about her that way and tells Poussey not to let her drag her into that shit. She tells Taystee that P doesn’t know her like she does. She walks off. Taystee looks sad and confused.
Polly and Larry look at the baby on her video monitor and she asks if he’s asleep or dead and says she can’t tell. Larry says he’s blissfully asleep. She says he’s perfect when he’s asleep. He says he loved playing house with her today and says he doesn’t know if he will ever have this. She says he will. He says he doesn’t want to go home and she says good that she wants him to stay and change diapers. She says she can pay him in leftovers. Polly says she would not have made it through this week without him and thanks him. She kisses him on the cheek and puts her head on his shoulder, exhausted.
Sophia gives the girls a lesson on their lady parts. She has a whiteboard where she’s sketched out all the holes, the labia, etc. She points out the labia, vagina and clitoris. O’Neill is nearby and looks startled. She shows them the urethra where they pee from. Sophia tells them to go back to their bunks and check out their junk. She says if you’re having trouble finding your clitoris – or your partner is – you may need to pull back the clitoral hood to expose it. O’Neill is flushed beet red, but is listening intently to these directions.
At the movie, Gina asks since when do the Spanish girls get all the best seats and Nicky tells her that the reign of whitey is over. Nicky has her arm around Brook who tells her that She’s never seen the movie and then babbles. Nicky puts her head on her shoulder to shut her up. She puts her hand on Brook’s tit while Boo glares at her. Boo rubs Piper’s blanket on her crotch while Piper glares at her.
Taystee complains that the Spanish chicks are sitting on too many pillows blocking the view. Vee starts to say something and Taystee says – I know, in your day, you used to run this place. Poussey comes in and says she missed half the movie. She’s upset to see Taystee didn’t save her a seat. Taystee blows her off and then looks at Vee says she should have showed up on time. She gives up and walks off.
Lorna sits on the back row crying and holding the little bear she stole. Yoga asks if she’s okay and she says she just misses her fiancee Christopher. Yoga comforts her and Lorna says she decided not to wear a veil because it’s too traditional. She says she wants him to see her face because it’s gorgeous. Almost Paradise is playing in her head as she dreams of her wedding.
Orange is the New Black season 2 episode 5 “Low Self Esteem City” RECAP
The women are showering. Gloria comes in and one of the Hispanic girls yanks a woman with a head full of shampoo out of the shower and tells her to finish in the sink. Gloria tells her gracias and then we see poop come flooding up into the floor drains of the showers and we hear toilets flushing. Gloria yells for everyone to get out. They are all disgusted. Gloria tells Taystee and the others that they need to let the Hispanic girls cut in front to use their showers since they are having plumbing issues.
Vee faces off with Gloria and says they don’t get special privileges in their bathroom. Taystee tells them that they violated an unwritten social contract and the Hispanic girl calls her a cunt. The guard is there and Taystee appeals to her as a black woman and calls her sister. The guard writes Taystee up. Poussey whispers to Taystee that you never call a black guard sister. The guard tells Gloria to go and she and her girls leave.
Back in the day, we see Gloria working at a gas station and a guy ranting that he wants for a candle that he says didn’t grant his St Peter’s wish. She tells him to stay put and goes to the back to see Lourdes. Lourdes is doing a spell of some sort over another guy and tells her that Francisco is there complaining. Lourdes tells him that he has forces working against him and tells him to wait to see her.
Gloria greets her old man with a kiss and he says he’s just trying to keep her from getting robbed by putting in a new lock. She asks him to put up the delivery. A guy comes in and wants to buy beer with the EBT card. She tells him to take a hike and says to take a hike cause we don’t do that shit. But then she does it anyway where no one can see. Her old man comes over and says she can’t talk that way to customers and she says not to tell her how to make money since he doesn’t have a penny to his name. He slaps her face and tells her not to talk like that. She says she’s sorry.
Nicky tells Piper that she and Boo are having a bang off. Chang lays out the rules and says all the girls must want to have sex. Boo says they both understand that it’s not a rape contest. Chang says they must be there in jail. Nicky says why not make a rule that all girls must be human. She asks Boo if that’s a problem for her and Boo gets defensive and says that only happened one time. Piper asks if they have to come for it to count.
Boo says they always come for her and Nicky says only once and tells her she’s the queen of multiples. She asks Chang if she gets extra points for making them come more than once and Chang says – no double points. She also says different girls are worth different points and has a score sheet. She tells Piper she’s worth three points. Piper says she’s not playing and tells her not to put her on the list.
But then she wants to know what her three points is on a scale of and Chang says 10. Nicky explains that 10 is like a guard and one is like that girl and points to a random strolling by. Piper says she’s more than a three but then Boo says she’s easy because she f-ed her worst enemy. Piper says she wasn’t her enemy at the time and says it was complicated.
Boo says she would love to get her dick in Alex’s mouth and says maybe she’ll be back in time for the game. Piper says not to count on it. Tiffany shows up and asks what they’re playing. Nicky says it’s a game as old as time. She asks what it’s called and Nicky says exclusion. Boo laughs and Tiffany asks how you play it. No one says anything.
Taystee says it’s bullshit because she already got two shots for being late to the warehouse. Vee says it’s their bathroom. Poussey teases Vee and Vee says they are doormats. She says they have to strike against the Spanish or it will never get better. She says the Spanish are running things now and the guards won’t help. Vee says they need to learn some manners. Crazy Eyes says she knows what they’re saying then talks about where silverware should go on a nicely set table.
The Golden Girls complain to Red about the cold in the greenhouse but she tells Irma and Frieda to start pulling weeds and says they’ll warm up. She tells Tessa and Jimmy to help her. Jimmy says she can’t stay long because Jack is taking her to the movies tonight. Red says okay. She says there’s going to be a line at the Easter Parade and she tells Jimmy to go pull weeds.
The ladies complain about the work and Red says to come help. Healy comes in to check on them. He asks to speak to Red alone. The ladies step to the end of the greenhouse. Healy asks her if Our Town is a good play to take Katya to see. He says some culture would be nice or he could take her to dinner. Red tells him that they had an agreement back when she was in the kitchen.
She says he should just leave her alone. He says he’s just asking her opinion. She says to skip the play and take her to dinner. The girls ask him for a space heater and he says that probably won’t happen. Jimmy calls him a shit licker as he leaves. Frieda asks Red if they can grow pot.
Maria holds her baby and talks to her baby daddy. Cal and Carol wait for Piper in the visitation room. Cal points out the anti-suicide poster and wonders if someone killed themselves there in that room, maybe right where Carol is sitting. She tells him to stop. Piper comes in and her mom hugs her and kisses her. Cal hugs her and says Carol was worried she wouldn’t be pretty anymore after the fight but says he told her that Piper won.
Piper says she kicked ass and had to spend three weeks in solitary confinement thinking “winner.” Carol asks if Larry has been to visit and she says no and he won’t because they broke up. Carol says that’s okay since his earnings potential was questionable. Cal says he was hoping she would have a gnarly scar from the fight. Carol says she can help her find another man and Piper asks about Neri.
Cal says that her background check didn’t go through and she’s in the lobby. Neri chats to some kids and says it reminds her of her old high school and if it’s depressing to be part of the punishment. She says it’s genius. The others stare at her.
Piper asks where her dad is. Carol says he wanted to be there but something came up. Cal says he doesn’t want to see her in there and Carol says that’s not true but Cal says it’s better than the other thing and Piper asks what other thing. Cal says they promised not to tell but she can guess and Carol tells him to stop it. Piper demands to know and reminds them she can handle it since she’s an adult in prison.
She asks questions and then says it’s a person. She asks if her dad is dead. Carol says he’s okay and Cal says she’s getting closer. She guesses that grandmother is dying and Cal says yes and they high five but then she gets really said and says oh my god.
Joe comes in and tells Gloria that her people aren’t authorized to use the B dorm bathroom. He tells her to use her own. Gloria says there are fountains of kaka in there. He says he’s waiting on authorization for Fig but she’s out of town. She says the kitchen workers should have a clean bathroom. Joe says she didn’t even ask and says they just stormed in. He says they can share it for now. Gloria pushes more and asks for a candle for her office and he tells her to use one of the electric ones from the church. Joe tells her not to get cocky. He says she’s replaceable and tells her to remember that.
Back in the day we see Gloria talking to her sister who complains about her black eye. She tells her that Arturo is good to the kids. He comes up and she tells him to stay away. He says he’s sorry and wants to talk to her. Her sister calls him a bitch and tells him to go to hell. The kids run to him but their aunt calls them away from him. Gloria goes up to him and he says he knows he has problems but says he needs to be with her. He drops to his knees crying on her. Her sister prays for strength for her. Gloria takes him in her arms. The kids asks who she’s praying for and she says – your mama.
Nicky watches TV when Boo comes in and says that Grouper is out of play. Nicky asks if that’s the freckly girl with the giant forehead. She says she did her in the woodshed. Nicky congratulates her and says she’s a one pointer. Boo says a boob in the hand is worth two in the bush but Nicky says it’s only the bush that counts.
Nicky tells her to keep it up and says there’s plenty of nickel sluts in low self esteem city but that she’s playing for big money at a private table. Boo says she must be playing with herself because she doesn’t see anybody else. Nicky calls out to Fisher and asks her to turn the volume up. Nicky thanks her and tells her she looks nice today. Fisher smiles and thanks her.
Nicky looks back at Boo and says she sees this as an art form. Boo says she’s out of her depth and Nicky says there’s no depth to her depth and calls herself the sexual Steve Jobs and says – that bitch is worth 10 points.
Healy tells Katya that he made them reservations at the spaghetti factory but she says she made plans with Olya. He asks her to change her plans. She and her GF talk in Russian and Katya complains about him and says he doesn’t take her where he promises to and thinks she should sit around waiting on him all the time. He gets annoyed and asks her to speak English. She asks why can’t he speak Russian. He yells at her that she lives in American now and says she can see Olya any day of the week since it’s not like she has a job or anything.
Then he softens and apologizes for losing his temper. He says in Russian that he was looking forward to seeing her. She sits impassive and then he invites Olya to go along with them. She says she wants to spend time with her friend. He says that’s why he’s willing to include her. He tells her in Russian that her friends are his friends and vice versa. Katya says he has no friends and walks out of the room.
Daya says the water pressure is so much better in the ghetto bathroom. Maria says it’s fucked up and says it’s like the blacks are getting special privileges and the Hispanics are the blacks. Daya asks where her shoes are and then the others notice their shoes are gone too. Gloria dumps a pile of shoes at their feet and says these were on her bed.
Taystee and Suzanne tell the Hispanics if they don’t hurry, they’re going to be late to work. They laugh and walk off and the Hispanics agree that it’s on and Gloria says someone is going to pay for this shit.
Piper looks at a photo of her grandma and cries. Red asks what’s the matter and Piper says nothing but then says that her grandma is sick. Piper says she didn’t want to bore her with her problems and Red says all problems are boring until they are your own. O’Neill calls for count time and they step outside their cube.
Red asks what happened and she says she scraped her foot in the pool and then she ended up with an infection. Red says that’s how it happens – it all goes at once like internal organ dominoes. Piper says she might pull through. She tells Red she’s trying to model on her behavior and suffer in silence. Red says she likes the silent part. Piper says to hang on tightly and let go lightly. She says Clive Owen said it and Red says – fuck Clive Owen, hang on until they make you let go.
The plumber checks out the poopy pipes and Joe asks what the real problem is. Fig comes in and asks to talk to Joe. She says she didn’t sign off on this and he says he had to make a decision because she didn’t come to work. The plumber says it’s going to cost $80 grand minimum. He says the only way is for the girls to take shorter showers. Fig says they can do that and Joe says that’s not going to work.
Joe says why fix the plumbing at all – let’s just cut their food rations so they just don’t shit as much. Fig says they should crunch the numbers on that.
Piper comes to see Healy. He says she’s looking well and he’s glad to see her. She asks – are you – then thanks him. She tells him her grandmother is ill and says she knows they don’t grant furlough for things like this and that he wouldn’t grant it to her anyway but says she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t ask. Healy says that it’s like the Loch Ness monster, much discussed, but rarely seen.
Piper asks if he has the power but he says there is nothing he can do to help her. He goes back to his paperwork and she stands to leave. She says – you just stood there – you stood there while she attacked me and then you gave her new teeth. She says she knew she overstepped, but she could have been killed. He says he wasn’t nearby and has a witness to prove it. She slams the door as she leaves.
Fisher patrols the hall by the phones. Nicky asks what the drama is about now and Fisher says she tries not to listen. Fisher explains the Black Scarecrow is a wrestler the woman’s son was supposed to wrestle. Fisher says she would like to give her privacy but it’s her job to stand there. Nicky says she has no privacy issues. Nicky says she works in electrical so she knows the spots where the cameras don’t see in case she’s ever curious. Fisher finally gets what she’s hinting at and tells her to go away.
Poussey and the others spit out food. They over-seasoned their food with salt and Taystee says it’s racism. Crazy Eyes says the secret is to pretend the salt is sugar and she keeps eating. The other women say the Hispanics are salting them because they know they’re per-dispositioned for hypertension and that they’re being racist.
Bell asks Bennett if he would rather have a house with a bad foundation or across from a lot where the lights never go off. He says neither and she asks what if nothing else if available in your price range.
Daya walks by and Watson asks her for a new tray but she says – you get what you get. Watson trips her and Bennett runs over hot and throws Watson on the ground and says she can’t do that. He asks Daya if she’s all right. She says she is. He asks Watson if she wants to go down the hill and she says no He tells her she just lost commissary for a month. Bell and Yoga help Watson up.
Gloria comes out of the kitchen and Aleida tells her she’d better fix this shit because Daya’s carrying her granddaughter.
We see Gloria back in the day telling her sister that Arturo is going to kill them. She says they all have to go. She gives her sister a box of money and says it’s food stamp money she’s been saving up and begs Lourdes to help her get the kids away. Lourdes calls him an f-ing beaner and says he needs to go away. The cops are outside and he accuses Gloria of trying to get him arrested and deported. He runs out the back.
But then the cops come in and arrest Gloria for fraud. They haul her out. She tells Lourdes not to use any of the money on bail, to use it to take care of the kids. Lourdes says it will be okay, that they won’t send a single mom to jail. We see Francisco there – he was the one who told the cops and Lourdes says she’s going to light a candle to send him to hell. He says her candles don’t work anyway and tells her to go to hell.
Healy goes into a bar after work and checks at the band that’s playing. Joe is playing bass and the band’s name is Sideboob. They launch into another song. Healy drinks a beer and watches them play.
The black girl complains that they get sent to prison for 20% longer than other inmates and nowt he Hispanics are ruining their food. Gloria comes up and Poussey asks if she took a long turn on the way to the barrio. Gloria tells Vee to talk to her in the bathroom now. Suzanne goes all Crazy Eyes on her and says she’ll come with them but Vee tells her she’s got this. Suzanne doesn’t want her to go alone but Taystee tells her to back down. Poussey says Gloria is a bruja and does coconut magic.
Healy talks to Joe about music. He says the one about the mines is one you would hear on the radio and Joe says it’s actually about a vasectomy reversal. They see a campaign ad for Fig’s husband and mock it. Joe says behind every strong rich man is a cunt faced witch monster. Joe asks Healy how it was before Fig was there and asked if you could talk to the warden.
Joe says he would like to report to someone who really gives a shit about how these women are taken care of. Healy offers him a tissue but Joe says they are failing and he can’t even get approval to get the toilets fixed. Joe says the least they should do is keep them safe and clean. Healy says he’s right. Joe says at least the women in the kitchen. Healy toasts to keeping them clean.
In the bathroom, Gloria attacks Vee and says she’s telling her if any of her girls touch hers there will be more than salt in her food next time. Vee acts like a real pussy and says she’s been telling her girls that they should go use the Hispanic bathroom. She tells her she doesn’t want any trouble. Vee says that way the Hispanics could just have the ghetto bathrooms. She tells Gloria that she’s on her side. Gloria says that’s bullshit and says she has no bathroom to give.
Vee starts crying and Gloria asks what’s wrong with her – Vee says she’s too old for this shit. She says Gloria is just trying to run over her and she can’t sell this shit unless she gives her something. She says Taystee and Watson want to be with Cindy on custodial. She tells her to talk to Joe about moving her girls to the kitchen and giving the black girls those slots. Gloria agrees and says to show her she can clear the bathroom then she’ll talk to Joe. Gloria tells her to get herself together because – Jesus, I didn’t even fucking hit you. It looks like she’s scared stiff of Gloria but after Gloria walks out, Vee gets a very clever little smirk on her face.
Piper comes to see Healy at his request. He tells her to come in and close the door. She does. He says he’s putting in papers for a three day furlough for her but there’s no guarantee. He asks if she’ll be staying with her fiancee and she says yes. He says it’s the least we can do. Piper stands to go and he says he’s responsible for her. She leaves quietly. Joe comes in and Healy says the band was good.
Joe asks Healy to sign a transfer for two Hispanics to transfer to the kitchen. Healy asks if that will leave custodial short and he says he’ll figure it out. Healy says he can’t wait for next Tuesday and calls it “Sideboob Tuesday” then calls Joe his dog. Joe turns to walk out and rolls his eyes at Healy trying to be his buddy. Healy smiles with satisfaction.
Change tells Nicky that Boo has five points and Nicky has none. Nicky complains and Boo says she’s desperate and the smell of desperation turns girls off. Nicky complains to Lorna that she wasted two days trying to get Fisher. She says she was like Icarus whose wings melted before he could fuck the sun. Lorna slaps Nicky on the ass and tells her to say the guard has herpes.
Fisher asks Joe about the surveillance. He looks around and says if the inmates ask, the cameras all work. She asks if anyone monitors the phone calls. He says they are all recorded and they review them when they need to. She says they should do random check-ins and he says they do. Then he looks around and whispers and says it’s not really a priority and that half the conversations are in Spanish. Fisher says to him she hablos Espanol muy bueno. He smiles.
Larry takes a call from Piper. He asks if she’s all right and she says she’s fine. She asks if he can talk and he says of course. He says his dad told him about Chicago and the shoe and tells her he’s sorry. He says he was with Polly but is heading home. He says they went for a bagnut and it’s supposed to be a donut plus a bagel but is really just a bagel with frosting. She says she forgot what it was like to have freedom to waste.
Larry asks why she didn’t call sooner and she says because we broke up and he’s been imagining she’s been someone who doesn’t depend on anyone or let them depend on her. She says it’s nice to hear his voice. He says he misses her. She says she has too.
In the Hispanic bathroom, Vee brings her girls in and says this is better because they don’t have to share. Black Cindy is pissed when she sees the sign saying showers can only be 30 seconds and says she can’t wash her twat in 30 seconds. Watson says she doesn’t care as long as she doesn’t have to stand in line. Vee tells Watson and Taystee that she got them new work assignments.
The Hispanics discuss how hard it is that a lot of their kids and boyfriends are too far away to visit. Gloria shows them a homemade St Anthony’s candle she made for them to pray to. She lights it and Gloria says it’s Catholic plus. One of them asks if Gloria believes in spells and stuff but then Red comes in and demands to know if she asked for two more girls are in there.
Red says that Vee put her up to this. They tell her that Gloria was the one who made the demands but Red tells Gloria that Vee played her and she has no idea what she’s done. She walks out with a final glare and Gloria looks unsure. She tells the girls to start prepping for dinner. The girls ask if she should keep the candle lit and Gloria says no, it’s dangerous and snuffs it out with her fingers.
Flashback – We see Arturo come into Gloria’s quickie mart looking under the counters. He finds the little wooden box full of cash and he steals it. He steps into Lourdes’ magic room with it but then knocks over a candle from her altar. He tries to put it out with a blanket but it spreads. He tries to put it out with a blanket but it spreads. He tries the door but it’s locked tight. He’s trapped in the room as it goes up in flames. He screams as he’s immolated.