I enjoy writing about celebrities here on Celeb Dirty Laundry, but every now and then I become fascinated by my dreams. They’re usually less macabre than what celebrities do in their daily lives, but hey, luckily it’s a welcome reprieve from Kristen Stewart’s horrific face. Oscar Wilde said, “A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” Dude, do you have any idea how Bruce Jenner punishes me at night? I’m not talking schizophrenic hallucinations, but a plain, in your face Jungian joyride from hell. It’s like karmic retribution for the Kardashian bitches.
I love my editors; they’re cool, intelligent and fun people. I never dream about my editors, nor do I dream about CDL, but I do have magnificent nightmares over Kris Jenner chasing me down a long alleyway with a butcher knife. I see this as my consciousness removing the trash from my brain. Bruce Jenner, on the other hand, is a long time lover of CDL writers and no, before you think we have illicit affairs with the George Michael wannabe, we enjoy writing about his Botox and shenanigans. My brain is a wonderful place, filled with unicorns, cupcakes, and Glee, so it was only fitting that Bruce Jenner and my editors shared in my nightmarish consciousness.
Imagine this: An insane asylum filled with Freddy Krueger wannabes and Paranormal Activity activity (get it?). There I lie, in a blissful Lithium induced madness, with a crying silly woman in the corner. I attempt to remove myself from the situation, but my eye catches a ceiling fan, whirring with a Lynchian naivety. My editors bring wilted flowers (their faces are unknown, like a foreign language created by Honey Boo-Boo) and settle near my bed in lawn chairs. I cannot remember the plot of the dream, as it eludes me like Kristen Stewart eludes faithfulness, but all I am able to remember is Bruce Jenner hanging from the whirring ceiling fan and singing “Mr. Sandman”.
Why the opinion article, I hear you ask? Well, firstly, we can never get enough Bruce Jenner madness and Bruce sitting on a swinging ceiling fan is the gold medal of dreams. CDL was merely the backdrop to this macabre horror story. Secondly, it is always fun to write about dreams. Christopher Nolan made it awesome in his masterpiece Inception and Luis Bunuel made it rock like Tom Cruise’s brain in The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie. Lastly, the La-La Land of celebrities is like one, massive dream, filled with Kardashians living in a world of hair extensions and drooping fake eyelashes.
I found cake crumbs on my bed stand this morning, which I presume might have been Freddy Krueger having a slice of cake on my behalf. Or it might have been Bruce Jenner having a little me-time away from the Kardashian tribe . . .