Prince Harry has been labeled as a one-man party, a royal affair, a drunken red head and our favorite, “Patty, isn’t he that kid from- Oh my God! It’s Prince Harry!” The poor Harry has been trying to escape his blurry past in recent years, but his drunken escapades seem to stick to him like Lindsay Lohan sticks to crime. Several years ago, back when the planet wasn’t as wobbly and the Kardashians didn’t exist on television, Prince Harry made his way to a club in a city very far away from Buckingham Palace. Neither the name of that city, nor some of the specific details will be revealed, because we have to protect the poor bitches who cried until mascara dripped on their toes.
An early 2000’s song was playing with a techno beat which sounded like a remake of that horrible 90’s classic, Sexy Eyes. There, in the glare of sparkly people dancing on a dance floor, a drunken red head stumbled across to the bar. The barman, who might have been just old enough to serve legally, muttered, “Yo, dude, what you want?” The red head smiled at the barman like a dead person smiles at an undertaker and said, “I would like some alcohol please?” His famous accent cut through the air like Rosie O’Donnel cut through meat, prior to her heart attack. A blonde girl sat across from the bar and stared at the red head. She pointed towards him with perfectly manicured fingernails and bumped her friend in the ribs. They quickly made their way towards him and paid for his drink. He thanked them and gave them each a kiss on the cheek. The blonde’s friend, a mousy woman who resembled Aileen Wournos, began screaming hysterically and smashed her glass against the bar counter. Her screaming did not stop, until the blonde haired girl placed her hand over her mouth and hushed her. The red head smiled and said, “What are your names?”
The blonde replied, “The name’s Sally.” Aileen Wournos didn’t speak, but merely stared at him with bug eyes straight out of Scientology 101. The blonde said, “You’re Prince Harry, aren’t you?” He responded with a gentlemanly nod.
The night continued without much incident, until about 3 AM, when all hell broke loose. The drunken people started realizing that it was Prince Harry and the sober people scoffed and blamed it on drunken hallucinations. The men made Prince Harry their best friend by buying him drinks and the women hugged him every fifth second. Have you ever noticed whenever people are around celebrities they seem to pretend that it doesn’t make a difference to their lives? They do this thing of being too cool for school and speak to the celebrity like they’ve known them their entire lives. This is usually a lie, because most people who see celebrities, in person, usually die quicker than Justin Bieber’s career – seriously, it’s like looking at Medusa.
Prince Harry was fed about a million shots of all kinds of nasty and was taught naughty words in the native language. He enjoyed the attention and thanked the drunken patrons for their generosity and hospitality. The man, whose family used to own half the world, stood up and tried to walk to the door, but stumbled like that guy in the office who reeks of egg sandwiches and tequila every morning. Prince Harry slammed to the floor, but was quickly saved from embarrassment by his hundreds of new BFFs. Harry eventually left the club, after thanking and smiling for an hour. People scoffed, like they usually do when a celebrity wafts through, and proclaimed, “He isn’t that great now, is he?”
Prince Harry was drunk. He was filthy, super, stupid drunk. The moment he exited the club, Aileen and the blonde girl waited for him on the sidewalk. Aileen pretended to be speaking on her phone, but it rang halfway through the conversation. Prince Harry told his small entourage to stop pulling him to the car and turned around. The blonde girl buried her open-toed shoes in the sidewalk as drool made its way to her breast. He walked up to the two friends and said, “Ladies, I might be drunk, but I’d just like to say, thank you for welcoming me to your beautiful country.” He was led to the waiting car. Aileen had the courage to wave at him and punched buttons on her phone to let her friends know about her night with royalty.
She texted me a little bit after 5 AM. The text read, “I met Prince Harry tonight. He is one of the coolest people I have ever met.” After breaking my toe on a cat while I was trying to find my beeping phone, I replied to her text, “Was he drunk?” Her final text came through a minute after 6 in the morning. In simple, plain language, it said, “Yes, but he is the sweetest, friendliest celebrity I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Xoxo.”
Don’t worry Aileen, we haven’t been friends since you set my house on fire, but I believe you when I see the startling tears of jealousy drenching my moonlit PJ’s.
Photo Credit: FlynetUK/FAMEFLYNET