Water. It is perhaps the most important word known to mankind. Without it, we die. Horribly. Water is like Barry Manilow, but with emotions. According to lanky-limbed Gwyneth Paltrow and her pseudo-scientific theories, water molecules change when things happen. A Boney M song might drive the molecules to commit suicide, an angry driver with sad breath might make them angry (water molecules are angry!), and an innocent little puppy might make them cry.
We all know the drill. A celebrity craze takes over, people lose all rational thought, and a Miley Cyrus song dies on the radio. Pop culture has a way of digging under our skin. Paltrow once had a staggeringly successful career, so it seems that she is entering her inner-self to reawaken her Kraken.
“I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter. I have long had Dr. Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water,” says Paltrow.
Dr. Emoto — water has emoto! — wrote a coffee table book (read that again) about very intricate quantum theories. Paltrow READ the coffee table book (read that again) and based her “new outlook” on a slap-dash, bad-ass hard copy of emotional water stories. Dr. Emoto’s partner in crime, D.r Habib Sadeghi, explains:
“Emoto poured pure water into vials labelled with negative phrases like ‘I hate you’ or ‘fear’. After 24 hours, the water was frozen, and no longer crystallized under the microscope: it yielded grey, misshapen clumps instead of beautiful lace-like crystals. In contrast, Emoto placed labels that said things like ‘I love you’ or ‘peace’ on vials of polluted water, and after 24 hours, they produced gleaming, perfectly hexagonal crystals. Emoto’s experiments proved that energy generated by positive or negative words can actually change the physical structure of an object.”
Like Bruce Jenner’s face.
Paltrow’s biggest critic isn’t an important person at MIT. No, Paltrow’s hater is Sharon Osbourne! When Osbourne was asked how she feels about Paltrow’s idea of “water having feelings”, she replied, “[Paltrow] is out of her f****ng mind!”
I’m thirsty. Where’s my water? Oh, right… It’s crying in the corner.
Image credit to FameFlynet