Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s Sex Tape Bound 2 Loses To Seth Rogan and James Franco’s Bound 3

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's Sex Tape Bound 2 Loses To Seth Rogan and James Franco's Bound 3

The Kim Kardashian and Kanye West shame spiral just keeps spinning, doesn’t it? Around and around it goes, and neither of the two major players have any idea how stupid they make themselves look.

I am writing of the video for Bound 2, Kanye’s new song (for lack of a better description), in which we see a topless Kim riding a huge, stationary-yet-vibratory motorcycle. I haven’t seen this much bouncing, jiggling, poor acting, lack of chemistry between partners, and fan-blown hair since my first exposure to soft porn, circa the 1980’s!

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's Sex Tape Bound 2 Loses To Seth Rogan and James Franco's Bound 3

After giving birth to twins, when Angelina Jolie wanted to tell the world, “I still got it,” we were given The Black Dress and Tripod Leg Poses at the Oscars. As silly as all of it was, at least we could giggle and sleep peacefully at night. When Kanye West wants to tell everyone his baby mama still fly, he and Kim Kardashian deliver soft pornography. Why is that, exactly? We cannot unsee any of this! Oh, that’s right, he Yeezy, and he da voice of dis generation and a genius.

I get it. Kim’s first sex tape, the one that launched her career of fame whoring, was tawdry, low budget, and unprofessional. Thanks to Kanye, Kim’s new sex tape is professional, expensive, and artistic.

I sat through two viewings of this “masterpiece” today, but all it did for this celebrity gossip writer was make me wish there was some kind of eye bleach and memory wipe available for purchase at my local pharmacy. The oddly jiggling motorcycle (Kim’s store bought breasts, on the other hand, remain motionless) is distracting and only overshadowed by the fact that Kim’s gaze is 100% blank stare, just like it was in all the pictures of her on the day of her engagement.

Driving this very public display of whatever it is (sexual activity?), the jams and raps of Kanye go on an on, as if West is making up the lyrics as he goes.

Bound2 Kanye West

After driving myself nuts with too much genius, I decided to lighten the mood a bit and give the Seth Rogen and James Franco version of Bound 2 some time. Bound 3 was the best. Kanye West should hire Seth and James to replace himself and Kim Kardashian in all their future sex tapes—I mean—videos.

Seth looks spot on like Kim, complete with hairy back. He even squints like she does. When he nuzzles James Franco, it brings the viewer completely into the moment, and the vibrating motorcycle is no longer a distraction, but part of the artistic vision.

If you are going to choose between Bound 2 (Kanye West’s version) and Bound 3 (Seth Rogen and James Franco’s version), I recommend Bound 3. You will find yourself snickering at everything, especially the dumb lyrics, and you can also rest comfortably knowing Seth and James re-created the video shot by shot so you’ll miss nothing except the part where you hate yourself for watching Bound 2 and not having any eye bleach nearby.