Justin Bieber’s penis has been appearing in the strangest of places lately, and now the Biebs is being sued by a man in Michigan who claims to be Selena Gomez’s father! His outrageous and obviously untrue allegations had us in stitches, but the proof is in the terrified pudding, so read below to see for yourself just how crazy some people are. We decided to omit some of the glaringly obvious spelling mistakes in Jim Jones’ Bieberlawsuit.
According to the leader of Crazy Town, Bieber cost him over $400 and never paid him back. This money was used by Bieber to pay for Selena Gomez’s abortion. Allegedly, Bieber impregnated Gomez on this man’s Canadian bear rug. As reported by TMZ, one of the allegations reads: “Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums.”
Bieber also allegedly gave the man’s daughter — “Selena Gomez” — an STD, stole his credit card to buy himself and Sean “P. Diddy” Combs cocaine to be used in drug free school zones, and paid for a penis enlargement with said credit card. Oh, dear God…
You know those scary people you meet when you do a lunch run at Seven Eleven? There you are, popping potatoes in your basket, listening to Barry Manilow on the speaker, and greeting your alcoholic aunt. You turn the crispy corner of Lay’s and fear, when the face of a serial killer stares back at you. You pretend your phone is ringing, but the serial killer stares at your feet and whispers something along the lines of, “My wife had cold feet at our wedding…” It’s these creepy situations that we try to avoid, but sometimes, especially for celebrities, it’s nearly impossible to do so.
The crazed Bieber extremist alleges in the lawsuit that he “is an emotional mess” and that “America must boycott Bieber’s music!” We’re shaking in our boots, grabbing our heels, and running as fast as our wobbly legs can carry us. We know this guy’s type — we see him every day at Seven Eleven. Unfortunately, our Seven Eleven Ted Bundy lookalike never mentioned in his devious whisper that his wife’s cold feet belonged to his neighbor. Good luck with your security detail, Biebs!
Image credit to FameFlynet